Immanuel Kant Takes Psychedelics
Read to yourself in a very bad German accent for the author’s intended tone and phrasing.
HELLO HANZ. Take off your clogs and sit a spell. Would you like some “ibeericho” ham and tea? It is the most amazing. I’ve begun to appreciate our southern neighbors’ foods. Enough cabbage, Hanz, enough. I Kant eat anymore cabbage — GET IT. Kant like can’t in a German accent? LOOSEN UP Hanz.
Anyway, I know you came to see me about the book you’re waiting to publish, and I just wondered if we could make a few changes. Just a few tiny changes, Hanz.
Do you want some wine? I know it’s early. But do you want some wine? No. Ok.
Anyway, let’s talk! How are you? No. OK. The book.
Anyway, I’m ready to get on with the book. I just have a few modifications I’d like to make to a few of the details - and maybe a couple plot things - but then it’ll be all ready just as promised. A couple tiny months late.
Plot things? Yes yes Hanz! YES. Plot. I have been thinking that some of this moral philosophy stuff is like, super important, but also a bit heavy if I am to be honest. What about your common Helga, or every day Fritz? They have driven me to the fringes already, and I all I did was extrapolate Newton into the belief that the cosmos formed from nebulae even though it’s the freakin 1700’s and we have telescopes. Hanz — Fritz and Helga need stories. Philosophy, yes, but stories.
You could say I was in the wrong _LaPlace_ at the wrong time! HAHAHA.
I know I don’t have any practice here, but I have begun socializing a LOT more recently and I was at the pub last night until who knows when and my new friend - I can’t remember his name - but my new friend, let’s call him Sven. Sven and I were talking about how there could be a love story about two sailors like Sven who come into Konigsberg and meet two lovely women and fall deeply in love. Anyway from there it’s a metaphor for the moral choices you’d make. I mean also I’ll probably spell out the philosophy but, you know, in the footnotes.
I just want to be loved and lovely, Hanz!
Yes - yes. I know your company sells to professors who are the only people who can afford books in this era. Yes. I understand that professors aren’t used to this and it may not be taken seriously. But Hanz those people they just need to get it man. It’s like. Ugh.
Have you ever heard of hash? Do you want to..no ok.
So here’s what I’m thinking: WE ARE ALL GOD. If you look at my past theories, I was basically already saying it. Look if you tie together the Nebular hypothesis, my Theory of Perception, and, ultimately, the logic showing the rational co-creation of morality that led to the categorical imperative tool — I HAVE ALREADY BEEN SAYING THIS. Do you remember Hanz-y that my last book was actually freakin called “The Metaphysics of Morals” and you let me publish it no friction over fiction?
So now I’m going to to come out and say in a story. Two sailors. Two love birds.
Yes, yes Hanz. Something has changed. A friend of mine from the great east gave me a powder from a witch he calls “soma.” Do you want some? No. Fine.
What’s that you say, Hanz? Maybe I should try to return to some convergent thinking despite how refreshing my divergent thinking has been to me personally?
Fine. Good point. For a publisher.
Oh I’m sorry Hanz, it’s just I have taken quite a bit of this soma stuff. I suppose it’s true I wouldn’t want to live in a world where everyone was behaving as such. Newton would have described the apple tree eating him like it did Adam & Eve.
Thanks, Hanz. You are a good friend. I will slow it down and get the book finished — with no plot.
While you are here, I’d like to tell you about a musical about aesthetic theory in which there is no music, merely set decorations.